FAMILY

HOME    l    ORGANIZATION    l    NEWS    l    INFO    l    TOPICS    l    RESOURCES    l    LINKS    l    INDEX

Family Matters

September 2016

Honey Maid Ad: Adorable Gay Couple and Their Children

Monica and Amy's Beautiful Family

Darin and Carl's Beautiful Family

Two Dads Adopt Two Sons

Two Moms Tell Story of Losing Their Son

Family Planning Options for LGBT Couples

Family Equality Council

LGBT Families

Marriage and Family Notes

Articles on Same Sex Couples and Their Children

Children of LGBT Couples: Let Love Define Family

Wash Post: Children of Same Sex Couples are Happier & Healthier

AAMFT: Same Sex Parents & Their Children

Same Sex Couples Less Likely to Get Divorced

LGBT Family Photo Exhibit at Birmingham Civil Rights Museum

A ground-breaking exhibition was featured at the Birmingham Civil Rights Museum. “Family Matters” is a collection of photographs by Carolyn Sherer that offers deeply personal portraits of LGBTQ youth in the South.  As a follow-up to Carolyn’s highly successful show “Living in Limbo: Lesbian Families in the Deep South,” this exhibit honored the courageous youth of today who are creating change and encouraging dialogue. The photo exhibit ran from April 23 through June 9 at the Birmingham Civil Rights Institute. This amazing event was presented by the Birmingham AIDS Outreach in partnership with Living in Limbo Inc. and the Magic City Acceptance Project.

LINKS:

Bham Civil Rts Institute Website

Bham Weld Mag: Living in Limbo Photo Exhibit

Living in Limbo Website

Love is Love: LGBT Couples and Families

Essays on LGBT Family Issues

David McFarlane: How to Be a Good Son When You're Gay

Essay: We Found Our Son in the Subway

CNN: Gay People Live in Fifty Americas

Dad's Note to Son About Coming Out

City With the Most LGBT Couples Raising Kids

Phil & Brett's Story

Reaction to DOMA Ruling

June 2013

John Archibald / Birmingham News

I was maybe 11 years old when my mom sat me down to talk about my brother, Murray. It was the 70s, in the parsonage of First United Methodist Church of Decatur, where my dad served as senior pastor. "Do you know what a homosexual is?" my mom asked. My first reaction, of course, was Dear God, No! I didn't want this conversation, I didn't need this conversation, I wanted to be anywhere but there, talking homosexual with my mom.
But I nodded, and my mother went on.

"Murray has told your father and me that he is, homo...er, well,... gay," she said.  "I'm not sure what it all means, but he is still your brother – our son – and nothing has changed. We love him."  And that was it. Forever.

(Pictured here is John Archibald's Father on the right and his bother Murray on the left.)

So forgive me today if I do not quote legal experts on what will happen now that the U.S. Supreme Court has struck down the Defense of Marriage Act. Forgive me if I do not consider the implications in Alabama or beyond, if I don't ponder the future of wedded bliss in America, or in Alabama, where enchantment for marriage is matched only by addiction to divorce.  Because I can't see the issue without seeing ... family.
 

It became clearer last week as we buried my father. The funeral was right back there at First United Methodist in Decatur.  And Steve Elkins, my brother's monogamous partner since I was 15 years old, sang "Shepherd Me O God" at the funeral. And it was beautiful. And Murray spoke from that pulpit where dad so often preached. And it was beautiful, too. He told of dad's discipline and his ethics, his love for his God and his family. And then, right there in a Southern church in the utter silence, he described bringing Steve home to meet the family 35 years ago.

Dad and mom welcomed him the same way they would later welcome my own wife and the spouses of my other siblings.  And it kept a family alive. It kept a family together. It even restored my own brother's faith.  "During a period in my life when I felt that the church had turned its back on me, I never felt that from my dad," Murray said from that pulpit. "And the strong faith and deep relationship I have with God today is built on his example."

Dad – good old, old school dad – would never think of himself as a bold fighter for social justice. He did not speak often of Murray being gay, except that once when he gathered the strength to stand before thousands of Methodist preachers debating the acceptance of gays. He argued for equality by stating his undying belief that Jesus is love. And love is unconditional. It was a losing argument, as it turned out. But it was enough for us.
 

So forgive me today if I don't see a threat to the sacrament of marriage. Forgive me if I cannot see the looming danger of allowing gay people in committed relationships the same privileges awarded the rest of us.  Because I see only my brother and the man I've considered a brother-in-law for 70 percent of my life. I see the best uncles my children could know. I see Murray and Steve, and when I do, I see a lot more than gay men. I see a family.
 

(From John Archibald  /  His column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays in the Birmingham News, and on AL.com. Email him at jarchibald@al.com)

Celebrating Beautiful Families

Jason & Michael’s Family

Family Equality Council

Good News for Lesbian Parents

Gay Foster Parents

Rainbow Babies

FrameLine

In My Shoes: Stories of Youth with LGBT Parents

Me and My Gay Parents

LGBT Parents & Their Children: Resource List

Gay Parent Magazine

LGBT Families

Zach Wahls: Raised By Two Mothers

BCRI Photo Exhibit: Lesbian Families in the South

Founded to teach about human rights and the fight for equality during the days of racial segregation, the Birmingham Civil Rights Institute introduced a new topic: Lesbian awareness in the South.  The museum displayed a new exhibit March 30 - June 11 featuring photographs of lesbian couples and families living in the Deep South. During the two and half month timeframe during which the exhibit ran, right out in front of the Birmingham Civil Rights Institute building, just above the left shoulder of the statue of Rev Shuttlesworth, was a huge prominent banner advertising the show.

The photographs in the exhibit were straightforward and modest portraits of couples and families. The subjects were parents, children, partners, lovers and friends. Some faced the camera with frank and smiling faces. Others were paired in simple embraces, linking hands, touching shoulders, circling waists, lightly hugging. Still others were pictured with their backs to the camera, shielding their identities from view. Caution felt necessary to some of the women, as they are part of a groundbreaking exhibit, “Living in Limbo: Lesbian Families in the Deep South.”  The 40 images in the show were stark and plain, shot against a white background, all large-scale color photographs, were created by Carolyn Sherer, a longtime Birmingham resident and member of the city’s lesbian community.

“I want to open people’s hearts and minds to the value of LGBT families,” Sherer says. “The idea was to put a face on the lesbian community, and get a conversation started about injustice. Love and commitment looks the same for everybody.”

Organizers say the exhibition was meant to encourage civil dialogue about inclusion and equality in Birmingham.  While lesbians are the focus of the exhibit, titled “Living in Limbo: Lesbian Families in the Deep South,” professional photographer Carolyn Sherer said her work also is meant to encourage greater inclusion for gay men, bisexuals and people who are transgender.  “We’re hoping to start a conversation about equality for everyone,” said Sherer. She has never before acknowledged her homosexuality publicly, but the exhibit includes a photo of her and her partner.

The art exhibition was the first at the 20-year-old Civil Rights Institute to feature homosexuals. The longtime president of the museum, Lawrence J Pijeaux Jr., said Thursday he has received more than 125 emails in support of the exhibit and just one complaint.  While the downtown institute is best known for its focus on civil rights, Pijeaux said the exhibit fits its overall theme of promoting human rights.

LINKS:

Birmingham Civil Rights Institute

Washington Post: Ala Civil Rts Museum shows Photos of Lesbian Families

Living in Limbo: Lesbian Photo Exhibit at Bham Civil Rts Institute

Stable Family: Zach Wahls Speech
 

LINK:

Zach Wahls Speech

When Kids Ask Questions About LGBT Subjects

Note: Sometimes moms can face big questions while driving kids around.  The carpool kids in the back seat seem to ask all manner of interesting questions.  What happens when they bring up LGBT topics like same-sex marriage?  Lee Rose Emery is the writer of the award-winning blog, LACityMom: Tips From the Carpool Lane.

Deep conversations with my kids seem to always arise in the car. "The most important thing about marriage," I told my kids when the subject came up, "is that you pick someone who is kind, and who really loves you."   My son (then 6) replied, "Then I would definitely NOT marry John (his friend who punches.) My older daughter (then 8) said, "Boys can't marry boys," to which my son responded, "But Noah has two dads!" And I had thought this was going to be an uncomplicated ride home.

My son's preschool friend, Noah, indeed does have two dads, who have become very much a part of our inner circle of friends. Yet, in that moment in the car, my mind immediately jumped to the subject of the birds and the bees, and I started to feel unsure about what the kids' next questions would be, and how to thoughtfully and appropriately proceed. I decided to poll a range of parents and ask an expert to see how they would discuss the topic of nontraditional families with small children.

Laurie, 20, mother of two, from Massachusetts, says she has not discussed the topic but it has been on her mind. "Our town is homogeneous and traditional. In not mentioning that there are alternative lifestyles, I worry that the kids will just assume that the traditional family structure is the 'right way'. I want to expose them to other ways of life, but I don't want it to be artificial. My brother converted to Catholicism, and his views are becoming more and more conservative. We don't see them a lot, but as the kids get older I wonder what they are going to hear."

A Los Angeles parent wrote to me, "I did have this conversation in the framework of families ... because he is exposed to that in our life. My son is 6 and one client has two children with her partner. My son was more concerned with the science of it. Which one was the No. 1 mommy? He thought the woman who carried the child would be the No. 1 mommy but was going to clarify who that was next time he saw my client. I told him that wasn't a polite question to ask. Unsure if that was the right thing to say or not. He does not know about the birds and the bees but has observed that most kids have some identifiable parent of both sexes."

Parenting expert Betsy Brown Braun said, "There is nothing loaded about this for kids ... it is loaded for parents, as it challenges our ability to discuss our own feelings ... we are all victims of the attitudes and worlds in which we were raised."  Braun says how parents approach the topic of difference and how they communicate that to their children will either teach them to accept difference or not.   Braun, the author of "You're Not the Boss of Me: Brat-proofing Your Four- to Twelve-Year-Old Child," also stressed that when the subject of same-sex couples arises it need not be a conversation about sexuality or reproduction, but instead about diversity.

Heather, 37, from Massachusetts, has a 9-year-old adopted daughter. Her daughter knows some children with same-sex parents from school, but no questions have come up on the topic. Heather says, "My faith is something that is very important to me, and it (same-sex partnership) is something I don't believe in, but I also feel that it is not my job to judge." Should the topic arise, Heather said she would discuss it as a choice that some people make.

I called Noah's dad, Greg, and asked what his kids (he also has an 8-year-old daughter) say to other kids about their family.  "When Noah and his sister meet a new friend and they ask who their mommy is, they say, 'I don't have a mommy. I have two dads.' " The daughter says she acts as if it is a matter of fact, as if it is the silliest question in the world.  Noah's dad went on to say, "Adults get nervous about talking about it because they're thinking the kids are talking about sex." (Just as I had that day in the car.) "It's not about sex," he said, "It's about interpersonal relationships."

Rebecca, from Los Angeles, said: "We have two young children (ages 3½ and 20 months.) And we also have some same-sex couple friends. We have never directly addressed the question, although we surely would if the kids asked. My view is that we do not directly address male-female couples so why treat same-sex couples any differently? We treat our same-sex couple friends and refer to them the same way we do for any other couple. For instance, Dan and Mark are usually discussed as a single unit, just like Jane and Jack."

Keeping the conversation on the level of personal choice rather than sexuality makes it something kids can understand. But what if kids do want to know about the science and the logistics of how a child could be conceived without a man and a woman?  With young children, Braun says, "Keep it simple. To make a baby you need a part from a man and a woman."   Greg tells his children, "Two men can't have a baby, so we found a woman who was willing to help us."

Traditional family does not exist in the same way that it used to. My kids have friends with single parents, stepparents, adoptive parents and gay parents. Dr. Gloria Walther, author and director of the Walther Pre-School in Los Angeles, advises that when we speak to our young children, "We use a larger brush stroke to define family. The true thing is a family is made up of adults and children that love and trust. That intimate circle of family is defined by the people in it."

(From Lee Rose Emery, CNN)

Who's a Family: New Study Tracks Shifting US Views

Rosie and Kelli O'Donnell

Rosie and Kelli O'Donnell were married in San Francisco in 2004. Rosie appeared on Good Morning America and called President Bush's statement against same-sex marriages, "the most vile and hateful words ever spoken by a sitting president." Rosie and her partner Kelli have been together since 1998. Kelli changed her last name from Carpenter to O'Donnell.
 

(From Kathy Belge, Lesbian Life, About.Com)
 

Same Sex Pair in Mobile Seek Court Okay to Adopt

A Mobile woman raising a baby boy with the child's mother wants to adopt him as a second parent, a legal step of significance in a state that just passed a constitutional amendment banning gay marriages. Cari Searcy's partner, Kim McKeand, gave birth to the baby boy in December with the aid of a donor. Searcy then sought to become the adoptive parent of the child, who bears her last name. Adoption would give Searcy rights to make medical decisions for the child as well as securing the sense of family in their home. But Searcy's application was denied in probate court May 3. McKeand said the judge ruled against adoption because Alabama does not recognize same-sex marriages. She said their case is now going to the Alabama Court of Civil Appeals.

[Photo below: Cari Searcy (left) and Kim McKeand with Khaya Ray Searcy in Mobile (AP Photo by Robb Carr)]

"We're going to do whatever we can to get it passed here," Searcy said. "It is discouraging when we think about the current environment against gays in our state, but I have to believe that somewhere in our court system there are still fair-minded judges."  McKeand, 28, and Searcy, 30, who met at college in Texas and moved to Mobile five years ago, have real concerns about the medical care of the baby, Khaya Ray Searcy. The child was born with a hole in his heart and the first weeks were difficult.

"He had to have open heart surgery in Atlanta and we ran into some issues with my not being a legal parent," Searcy said. "It was really hard." McKeand said she had to learn how to insert a feeding tube in Khaya's nose before they could bring him home from the hospital. Because she didn't feel comfortable doing the procedure, Searcy volunteered to learn. But the nurses would not teach her.  "They said, 'No, you're not the parent, Kim is,' " McKeand said. "Finally it took our doctor — the cardiologist — to step in and say it was OK."  Khaya now has a clean bill of health, but the couple has not forgotten the experience.  "That's what really pushed me to get this second parent adoption," said Searcy.

The legal resolution of the court case might have a wide impact — according to 2000 census data, there are gay families in every county in the state. And the issue is not confined to Alabama. "It's happening all over the country," said Adam Pertman, executive director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute.  "It's happening because the agencies responsible for those kids have decided that the gay and lesbian population is one worth placing kids."  The New York-based institute, which is not affiliated with any gay rights organizations, released a report in March that found there is no child-centered reason to prevent gays and lesbians from becoming adoptive parents.  "Research shows gay and lesbian parents provide good homes," Pertman said.

He said the community should support the children no matter what kind of family they grow up in. "Bringing our views or prejudices on the kids is not productive," he said. "The community should support a system that places kids in permanent, safe and loving homes. We have to support that for the sake of the kids."  The American Academy of Pediatrics supports legislation and legal efforts to provide second-parent adoptions by same-sex parents. The Alabama chapter of the academy believes all children benefit from being raised by caregivers who are constant, dependable, loving and dedicated to children's safety. According to an article in the July edition of Pediatrics, in early 2006 efforts were under way in at least 16 states including Alabama to introduce constitutional amendments prohibiting gay and lesbian individuals and couples from adopting children or being foster parents. "Same-sex parenting is a controversial issue in our country," Linda Lee, executive director of the Alabama chapter, said. "Our main concern is that children, regardless of the circumstances in which they live, receive the best of care."

Jonathan Klein, associate professor of pediatrics at the University of Rochester in New York, contributed to the July article and is the chair of the AAP Committee on Adolescence.  "I think evidence on the developmental outcome of children shows that, overall, two parents are probably better than one," Klein said. He also said that parents with established legal custody have a variety of benefits that isn't always available to same-sex couples even if they're playing that role in a child's life.  "I think if parents are not able to be involved in all aspects of their communities because of a community's attitudes, that potentially damages families," Klein said.

Searcy and McKeand talked about being parents, but it wasn't until about a year ago that they felt it was the right time. "We found a donor who is a really good friend of ours and he signed over all his rights," Searcy said. They enjoy a measure of acceptance in Mobile. Searcy works for a video production company and McKeand works for a broadcaster that provides domestic partner health benefits covering them both. "Our home is a normal one," said Searcy. "It's filled with love, commitment and support. Our sexual orientation is just a small part of who we are. Kim and I are dedicated to giving Khaya the best life possible and we're going to do what it takes to do that."

(From Amanda Thomas, Associated Press)